I’ve been sick.  I’ve been laid up at home,  all alone and feeling very sorry for myself. Taken in my prime and reduced to a dribbling, coughing, wincing and wheezing wreck of a man in less than a day.  One moment plotting the take over of the world (or at least plotting another night down the pub) and the next, doubled up in pain coughing my liver out.  Not that it should be much of a surprise that my immune system is less that fighting fit, less than military grade.  To be honest after the years of abuse I've put it through, in just about every imaginable configuration, I'm surprised I've got an immune system at all.But apparently I do have one and despite my best efforts to put it out of action, it seems to have finally kicked in and now has me back on the road to recovery.  Why am I telling you this?  Because I just wanted to rant about something and my sickness inspired trip to the doctors turned out to be fuel enough for that fire to start a-burning...

You see like many people I don't really like doctors, I guess that dislike for most is just a case of negative association.  Doctors tend to be associated with times when a person or their loved ones are sick or worse, which is of course a totally understandable association even if the dislike itself is a little illogical.

The dislike and fear of dentists is similar and even easier to understand.  As is often the case when visiting a dentist there is pain involved.  Pain before, during and after the visit in many cases.  But for me Dentists and Doctors are a different breed.  Generally I love dentists (I know, odd isn't it).  I love them because they deliver. They have always in the past fixed the problem that I presented them with.  They make the pain go away when there is pain and as anyone who's had fucked up wisdom teeth can attest to, that pain can be substantial and sustained.  The dentist brings relief and usually does so quickly.

Doctors however and I'm talking about GPs here mostly, (plus some of those working in A&E), Doctors have far too much work and far too many possible ailments to deal with that they could ever hope to be as singularly efficient at "getting the job done" as dentists are.  There are just too many maladies and too many variations of individual patients and their symptoms to be able to bang the nails in and shout NEXT successfully like the Dentist can. 
And yet that's exactly the way every GP I've ever had to visit has tried to deal with me.  Now I am no hypochondriac,  my visits to the doctor are very few and far between, partially because I'm a bit old school and think people should 'tough it out' a bit more, and partially because almost every time that I've had to visit a doctor I've ended up fuming like I am  right now because they never take my very infrequent visits to their halls with the same level of seriousness as I do.

There will be those amongst you who of course think I'm being a little unfair on the doctors "It's not their fault they're overworked" you'll be thinking or,  "they do a hard job and it must get very tiring dealing with every minor little complaint that comes in their door".  Yeah fuck all that, and fuck them if they don't like their working environment or working pressure.  If I had to pull the hours doctors say they do, then I'd quit and I bet you would too, either that or I'd get a better fucking Union.

You think doctors do overtime for free?  Of course they don’t.  The long working hours they constantly complain about, are constantly lining their pockets with cash, not that they don't get paid pretty well to start with, because they do.

I hate their cookie cutter responses to patients that they have no knowledge of (yeah you don’t know me, so don’t just assume that because my visible symptoms are minor that my ailment or discomfort are also minor you fuck).

Fuck their demeaning and barely contained contempt that's just simmering under the surface of their fake veneer of caring (fuck you, you arrogant cock sucker).   And here's another reason to dislike them.

99.9% of Doctor are just plain fucking wrong in the head.  Think about it. Who'd want to be a doctor in the first place?  I mean just imagine having to see the things they have to see every day, touching the things they have to touch every day, smelling the things they have to smell every day.  Dipping their fingers into the festering pustules that burst open on the backs of masses, teasing open the swollen and blistered, mucus dripping orifices of the great unwashed.

If a Doctor isn't wrong in the head when they sign up to medical school in the first place (which personally I think most of them are) then they sure as hell will be after working a General Practice or hospital for a few years.  And yeah I'm sure the "helping people and saving lives" thing really is very satisfying, but how many puss filled growths have you got to lance before that wears off?  How many skanky, gangrenous wounds, teaming with maggots have you got to catch a whiff of, before the Doctor's life, as well as the air turns a little sour.

So yeah, next time I'm ill, I'm gonna try and tough it out again as best I can, because in my experience a visit to the doctors is a waste of time most of the time… and just a little discomforting too.

Look at it like this. There are two types of people that get their kicks or satisfaction from putting their hands inside peoples bleeding intestines; Doctors and Psychos.

And if someone ushered you into a room alone with Mr Psycho, how comfortable would you feel as the door clicked closed behind you and he asked you, with obviously fake politeness to "take a seat please".