Sam squints around a tree in Central Park while humming the pink panther theme; his version of stealthily stalking Simon.

Its driving him absolutely insane not knowing what he’s doing on Thursday nights when he’s supposed to be watching Supernatural with him. What’s he hiding? Why won’t he tell him? And the most important question of them all: Why is that raccoon staring at him like that?!?

Sam has an instant flash back to when he was fourteen. The day he was ‘viciously’ attacked by those awful animals. He was out jogging when a pack of them chased him all around Cazenovia Park in Buffalo. He was almost in the clear when he slipped on some wet leaves. He crashed down hard. A little dazed from the fall he peered around to see them catch up to him. He closed his eyes so he would have to see their masked faces glare at him like he insulted their little raccoon mothers. Fourteen year old Sam laid there waiting for them to eat him. After about five minutes he started to get hungry, he should have taken his mom up on the cookies that afternoon. He slowly opened his eyes. They were gone. Sam breathed a sigh of relief.

Must have been a freak accident, he thought. Or not. Just as he was crossing the street to what he thought was freedom from raccoons and parks in general, one peeked out from behind a tree. To this day Sam swears on his guitar, Mac and Cheese, AND PB&J that he heard that raccoon whistle to his brothers. More raccoons than the first attack chased him all the way to his house.

This is even weirder because raccoons just don’t do that. They don’t just randomly start chasing a kid, especially not a kid with such great hair. Its not in their nature. They are generally afraid of people.

“Although serious attacks on humans by groups of non-rabid raccoons are extremely rare, at least one such attack has been documented” that’s what’s now on the raccoon page of Wikipedia under conflicts. That one extremely rare attack was directed towards Sam Clark. When Sam was finally safe he researched the subject, no one had every heard of raccoons doing that.

Sam freezes. He stares wide-eyed and scared at the small animal who has started a steady, leisurely stroll towards him. He starts flailing at it, trying to scare it away. The weird gesture doesn’t discourage the raccoon; he’s still coming towards him. When he’s about ten feet away from Sam he starts running: Sam’s cue to do likewise, however he’s not as quiet as the raccoon.

Due to the unfortunate incident of his youth, Sam is now deathly afraid of the little animal burglars, which really helps explain why Samuel Alexander Lewis Clark the Third was seen by a sizable chunk of New Yorkers running around in circles like a lunatic Saturday afternoon near Central Park Zoo.
So much for Sam being stealthily…