The nightclub dispersed us to the streets, like spores from a cheap cotton dandelion, and seedily we drifted, off in all directions. I didn't wait for my friends; I had no patience for kebab queues or bickering over split-fare taxis. If I made my own pace, it was only thirty minutes’ walk home.

As usual I took the back streets, avoiding the busier main roads. In my experience, the more people there are around, the more chance there is that one of them will take a disliking to you.

So I was alone when I saw the thing.

Sergei and Nadia, lovely people, but their native hooch was strictly for a digestive system that had been prepared for it over years.  Over there they probably start in infancy with dry cleaning fluid and work up to it.  Lucky they had made it clear that they wanted me to leave when they did, another shot might have meant hospital.

The day after I lay sweating, aching and musing.  I’d noticed it a few days ago, but now it suddenly assumed a grim importance; the musky aroma that had accompanied me in varying degrees of intensity since puberty had recently disappeared, in its place a sweet malty fragrance wafted from my intimate regions. I began to think that this might not just be some kind of anomaly but something altogether more sinister.

Life is one big reflection, four mirrored walls reflecting my gaze.  I’ve never left this room, it’s all I’ve ever known.

They send people in to talk to me, Joe, Mike, Frank, Bob, the list goes on and on, on average my “friend” lasts about 20 to 30 years, then one day a new guy turns up “So how old are you kid?” same old questions, getting to know you stuff.

Wake up fresh as a daisy, comfy crisp clean sheets, moss green walls, white gloss windows.  flowers, cornflower blue in the vase, just perfect.

Nurse wafts in, floating like an angel with a tray of breakfast delights, wonderfully balanced, healthy refreshing, she plumps up my pillow.

Slip my feet into pink fluffy slippers. shuffle to the shower, water flows over me like silk. Fresh towel around my head, I drift out onto the terrace. I nestle into a stripy deckchair. The air is crisp and fresh with the slight sent of apple blossom.